Good Night a Livin...if you only knew how long it took me to publish this blog! When you don't post in over a year, it's a nightmare to try to post. Thanks, Google Security!
To finally sit down and write about my experiences in the past 18 months is overwhelming, yet I find it so exciting I can hardly control my fingers on the keyboard. Not because I am thrilled to share it, and certainly not because I have had the best 18 months of my life, but more because I have accepted this time in my life and I’m really just ready to lay it all on the table and…not to overuse a phrase that’s been overused lately but…let it go! When I thought about writing this journey in a blog, it came to me in stages and that’s exactly how I will write it. So I’m titling this first stage Declaration. The organized
nerd in me likes things that all start
with the same letter, so all the other stages to follow will also start with a
D. Yesssssss!!!!! J
I think when you go through something as traumatic as a Divorce, you experience all kinds of stages from the very beginning to way past the actual finality of Divorce. For some of you, the past sentence has already rocked your world because you had no idea I am Divorced. Well, I have been…I am …and will always have that stigmatism with me for the rest of my life (there’s my declaration). I’ll always have to answer those awkward questions that come up every once in a while, always have to give a little more explanation in certain situations, and always have to feel that little sense of failure that the people pleaser in me hates to feel. I do think that after writing this, I will be able to move on in a way I haven’t yet. Part of moving on happens when you accept responsibility. I accept full responsibility for the demise of my marriage. Eighteen months ago, I would not and could not have said that. However, I’ve learned that the blame game gets me nowhere, finger pointing only points out more flaws in me, and trying to prove something only makes me frustrated.
Please understand, I am writing this for me. Not you. This is my journey. Not yours. These were my choices. No one else’s. I do not need your sympathy. I do not need your approval or disapproval. I don’t need you to delete me off your friend list on Facebook...or add me for that matter! I don’t need you to invite me to church. I don’t need you to ignore me in public or give me the silent treatment or refuse to wish me well on my birthday or other special holidays. I don’t need to be excluded from the invitation list because I “no longer really have a family to come with”. I don’t need to be the topic of your conversation…although I’m flattered you would think to talk about me! I don't need to be called "disgusting" or a "homewrecker". I’ve experienced all those things already. What I need from you is to keep being exactly who you have been. Because I’ve realized that when you are at your darkest, only a handful of people walk with you. Only a handful of people can handle your imperfect-ness. Only a handful of people are actually brave enough to ask and listen to all the gory details without being offended. Only a few choice people can love you the same way they did before you disappointed them. Only a choice few know…really know…all of the stages I have been through in this process, and I definitely owe them countless hours of therapy payments.
So there’s my post for today. My Declaration. If you could see the tears I’ve cried typing out this stage, you’ll know why I can only write about 1 stage at a time. Even typing the words is hard. I don't know why, but it is. For those of you who had no idea, I’m sorry to hit you with this on the gloomiest day we’ve seen in TN this summer. For those of you who already know, I hope these next few posts shed a little more light on the pain of divorce. It’s a sin, and apparently it’s considered a BIG 10 sin (you know, we Christians love to rank our sins), but it’s a sin that a large percentage of people are dealing with, and at the end of the day I hope you can remember that they (we) are people. Sinful people. All of us. Each with our own set of sins that we deal with. My sin is ugly and public. Your sin may be private, but it’s still just as ugly. So while you sit and watch pornography in the privacy of your home, or put another five thousand dollars on your credit card for your spending addiction, or continue to steal Internet or cable from your neighbor, I’ll continue to deal with my sin of divorce. Now that’s a Declaration….